Memories

Happiness always looks small while you hold it in your hands, but let it go, and you learn at once how big and precious it is.

-Maxim Gorky

It is one of those sleepless nights…That you would stare at the ceiling for the first hour…sinking in the chaos of your thoughts…It doesn't have to be negative thoughts or positive ones for that matter…Just thoughts that flashes before you and drain you in a moment of time …till you get up slowly to do something….anything… so that you could feel drowsy again…
My anything was my drawer…And I was having one of those nights…As I twisted my hair into a bun and covered my shoulders to stop the chills from leaving a warm bed too fast…I walked slowly to the middle of the room…where my drawer stood…dark…unopened for 6 months….My eyes tried to get used to the darkness as my fingers searched for the switch button of the only lamp that was at my reach…The reflection of my shadow covered the spark of light that appeared on the opposite wall…And I opened slowly… reluctantly the drawer of my past…my memories.... my life....
I pulled out my book…sat down on the floor and opened it….There it was pictures…moments…letters….Cards…Forbidden words….Undeclared vows…The Friend that you promised to be "Friends Forever" and Haven't seen for two years because of a quarrel…The school uniform that you detested and wore everyday but that now you find sweet and charming …The "I am so in Love with you " That one day made your heart skip a beat but now all is left of it are words on a card…The "Do you really think I am a bad person with a black heart?" of a Brother that slid a note through your door in an adolescent phase when you hated the world but now makes you feel guilty…The grandmother that you will never see as you hugged her normally for 10 years and now wished to have been there for her…The postcard of a summer friend that you promised to keep in touch with but was last dated 1996…The red bracelet with green stones that a Chinese girl gave to you as good luck because you passed her your notes…The address of a Halloween party we had to go to scribbled on a "Ritz" hotel notepad….The graduation day where you thought you finally made it to the real world…The " I am a believer because I believed in you" and emails of people you helped through rough times and decisive decisions…The poses you made with your girlfriends dressed up as guys to sneak out and drive a car…The first shisha you tried as you coughed for half an hour and found out your allergic to smoke…The letter your mother wrote when you thought you were all that and to this day breaks your heart….The I.D card you had when you first started working….The little forgotten things that comes back to you in a flash…

You….through the years…

As I caressed the protective seal of the pages with my fingertips….A tear rolled down my face….I wasn't sad nor nostalgic but touched….Touched by the loss of the naiveness in a gaze…the loss of an unconsciousness in a smile…The loss of an innocence of not knowing the definite line between dreams and Reality…The loss of an uncaring feeling of what destiny has planned for us…All the small details that no one will ever notice but only you can see…The protective wall on your sensitive soul….as it thickens through life…The confidence that grows as you succeed…and the things you learn on your own….
In these minute moments where my vulnerability resurface.... I wanted to call my whole life and tell them to remember…As impossible to do as trying to wake the dead…But then I feel at peace…As if rejoined with myself…
I know what you are thinking or trying to say…Don't look at the past…you are so young and acting like a 50 year old…you have your whole life ahead of you…Just be happy with the good memories….Maybe you are right…Maybe it is good to be like these people that live day by day…and worry about the future without looking at the past…. But I know sometimes like tonight….. I need to turn my head and look back to know exactly where I am now, Today…………………..don't you?