I value the friend who for me finds time on his calendar, but I cherish the friend who for me does not consult his calendar.
-Robert Brault
Before I go into details…I have a question for all of you…Do you believe in girls and guys friendship?... Can we be so connected to the opposite gender in every way and still be friends? Is it natural? Can the creation of your being since the beginning of time "to be in a couple" vanish? And just have a mirror of yourself reflected in his/her eyes? …
If you asked me the same question a couple of months ago I would have definitely said yes…although a lot of people in our society would doubt it…It is not really a matter of geography than education…Being Saudi you cannot really hangout with other Saudis unless there are family or school/university/holiday friends…and even if you do.. Being in a group would be more moral and less "harmful" to reputation…
But if horrors of horrors you end up going out and have a "friendly" one to one coffee break with a guy the probability that this guy is perceived as your potential "partner" is 99.99%...
The location doesn't make a difference although places such as dim light restaurant, Chalets, "Istirahas" meaning "get away places", the diplomatic quarter (now it is harder with the tanks over there), the Bridge overlooking the cemetery (don't ask! Lol) and the Globe on top of Alfaysaliah are all considered "positive" date material… and bringing your "friend" there might look kind of dodgy… or that you are trying to make a move…
But if by any chance you happen to be abroad and he/she is too…you might meet up….hang out….catch up physically what you have been endlessly babbling about on the phone and e.mail…and spending your whole break with him/her…
Trust me nobody with a normal mental capacity will think that a straight, complete, functioning male could be that close to his similar in a female and not have feelings for her…but it happened….to me
Before I begin…let me tell you…I am one of those people that do not believe that my kinder garden mud playmate is my best friend and the rest " basta" meaning "out of the way"… Actually my kinder garden playmate was my best friend but life has made its course and we passed piggy tails era…Now we are just friends with a sense of nostalgia… Sometimes I feel closer to friends I have met 5 min ago but feel as if I have known them for ages…sometimes I feel closer to work colleagues that I see most of my time and can relate to during my stress attacks…and sometimes I go back to friends that really annoy me during regular days but are there when times get rough… To cut a long story short…I do not have a best friend…but friends I got close to along the way and through the different stages of my life…except for him…
He was different ..(not only physically different= he didn't have a curvacious upper body and matching bag/ shoes:):)) but mentally as well…he was the only one that saw me go through transformation from a hormonal adolescent with braces at 14 and turn to a more "Thagila" meaning "posed" young woman at 24….
For 10 years he was the pillar ..the security and point of comfort in my life…I loved him like my brother...maybe more…cause I didn't see the latter often…We had our quarrels and fights but he always managed to soothe me somehow and vice versa…
I guess I should have seen it coming when he sat me down one day and blubbered the whole truth…The truth that I was the one...The truth that he loved me from the first day he layed eyes on me…The truth that he couldn't stand seeing me with another… The truth that all these years he searched for a way to tell me… The truth that no one will understand me like he does…The truth the no one will ever love me like he will…The truth that he wants to be serious and settle down…The truth that he wants to be the father of my children whether their his own or not…The truth that he could wait for ever if he is sure to have me in the end…The truth about his feelings…The truth about us and the truth about him…
My eyes expanded in a moment of lucidity …and my heart contracted so much that I thought it would burst…I couldn't swallow…and I couldn't breathe…I just stared at him while listening to my own heart beat in my ear…
It is over…It can never be the same again…I should've known…But I was in denial…denying it in my head…denying it in my heart…
For years…My friends saw us as the perfect couple…Tall, incredibly gorgeous, smart, successful… He is every woman's fantasy…what was wrong with me…???
But maybe sometimes you need that perfect chemistry with that imperfect someone to fall in love.................If I did... I would have left everything for him….but I hadn't...so I lost… I lost the best friendship I've ever had and ever will…I lost the closest person to my soul and heart…I lost a part of me…I lost myself…and I lost him…
12 comments:
well, i don't really know why you declined him.....you must have some reason. I understand chemistry and stuff....but....settle down with the person who loves you..not the other way around. don't get offended.
zia khan: call me romantic but I think chemistry is important ..the "click" that brings two people together..yes I do have my reasons...like you have your reasons in saying "settle down with the person who loves you...not the other way around" x x x:) don't worry I will not ask...
raven: three small letters but a huge meaning...thanks x x x
Maybe it was too good to be true .. and some say things that good usually don't last .. y3ni ya masha3el it is so predictable as you said .. i deeply believe that even the most pure bro/sis relationship between a guy and a girl .. as in garayib/old friends/friends .. will eventually lead to building up emotions .. strong emotions .. guys 3ndna may have a notorious 'image' when in relationships .. so untrue .. we only need someone to 'share' our time/emotions with, and dedicate our efforts to .. a bumpy emotional/mental haven is the aim .. it isn't perfect we know but thats what we are .. we aren't perfect .. and im really impressed by his 'laying it all out' moment .. sadgeeni that takes a lot from a guy to do it .. tense moment it is .. when u said '.. It is over ..' u made me worry .. u know why .. because i said to myself .. is it that every time a guy shows his true emotions to 'her' .. does it have to change their world .. why isn't it as simple and joyful as it sounds .. i may understand why .. life is real .. painfully real .. logic and rationality aren't factors here .. love is the same.
In the end, wass3i 9adrik and cheer up .. about elzawag do think of it as gisma o ni9eeb more often .. and life is full of chances/surprises and unseen potential so don't feel down for a second .. it isnt worth it
Im realizing that i wrote more text than usual .. it's just that you hit a strong string that most guys/girls relate to more or less .. be it here or anywhere .. good luck and don't think too much about loss .. you will only feel more bitter about it .. move on and praise allah/ithkiri rabbik .. for he knows best :)
maybe u're denying the fact that u love him back....
why would u then write a whole lengthy post about him?
ask yourself the following question, can u live without him there standing next to you through it all? or will you be able to love without him yet think of him always and how it could have been?
u seem to have feelings for him, atleast thats what i feel u do, again i might be wrong..
Damn you! You write so damn good! Damn I was too busy and I missed this writing! Damn Damn Damn Damn! THIS IS AWESOME!
Well I won't comment much about your personal life with him but I once fell in love with a girl and she loved me back, but when I told her about my feeling, she turned me down. It took years to understand why.
But YOU WRITE AWESOME!!! GOSH!!! what's your sun sign ?????!!!!
~i'm collapsed.
Unbiased Najdi:I noticed that the principle (guy/girls friendship doesn't work) after what happenned to me...Like you said...emotions build up...if not from both sides than at least one side...like it happened to him...
"is it that every time a guy shows his true emotions to 'her'" No...showing emotions is the most beautiful thing in the world...and there is nothing more touching than a man so strong and manly from the outside and so tender from the inside....But with that one it hurted me so much cause I couldn't give his love back..and I can't do that to him..I can't be with him and not love him like a woman loves a man..he deserves all the love of this world and more...That is how special he is...thanks for commetingxxxx
Baroque:I do have feelings for him....But like I said to unbiased najdi it is a different kind of feeling...and of course my life will be empty without him..he has been there for years and suddenly everything went to dust (you would miss a plant if you are used to it so imagine a human being with similar views and perspectives)...maybe time will erase the pain...the pain that I couldn't love him back like he wanted me to...the pain that our closeness and friendship is gone forever...But thanks anyway xxx
Someguyfromplanet: :) I loved the way you expressed my writing...This shows that you really felt it...I am cancer...The most sensitive romantic sensual family oriented sign of the zodiac....the best x x x x:)
Another cancerian in the house! wooohoooooh! Yeah, you got damn right, Cancer is the best zodiac ever! No wonder you write so... sensitive... hiks. :D
Thank you so much for writing in English. It is such a clarifying moment to read something like this and see that even in an utterly alternate culture from my own -- people are still just people.
I'm sorry about your friend. I know that's painful. But if the spark is not there now, it's not ever going to be there. And trust me, when you find the spark, it's magical.
someguyfromplanet: :)
gadfly: my thoughts exactly...keep on reading...it will all be in english...promise x x x x
I dont understand honestly..I do not like to judge others..but I must say that somehow you have something alarming behind rejecting him for no reason..actually he's courageous enough to have confessed to you..I found the best lover in my best friend..I do not see the loss here..its a WIN WIN story..but we're all different..I can only sympathize with the world u're living in .. Open up..its the 21st century..we no longer live in the 1400 !! No offense here please
anonymous: It is not about the world we are living in...but the feelings we are having...wether we are in the 21st century or 14th...It is unfair to be with someone you don't love as much as he loves you....keep it up x x x
p.s: offense non-taken:)
Hmmm, interesting. I feel bad for the guy, his story reminds me of few lines in a song:
So I decided one day, to tell her my feelings was true
I couldn't live without her so I told her, facing my fears
But honey's only response, was a face full of tears
She could only sob hysterically, holding me tight
I tried to speak, but she wouldn't stop until I left sight
I felt like a moth who got himself too close to the light
Except I didn't burn, I turned cold after that night
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